How destructive personality types exert coercive control

And how flip the script to make way for healing

Photo by Sahil Pandita on Unsplash

We know that on average, it takes seven tries to leave an abusive relationship, and yet people still ask, “Why didn’t you leave?” The question leads to shame, self-doubt and blame. It needs to stop being asked. No one who is informed about trauma would say such a thing.

It’s not the right question anyway and no one deserves abuse.

The factors are nuanced and not as obvious as one might think. For anyone in a coercive controlling relationship, where control, intimidation, and domination are enforced, the tacit understanding of the threat of punishment is evident and clear. There is a continued threat from the perpetrator, and the result is fear. This is the essential equation in coercive control.

The Cluster B’s of the DSM-5 generally fit these behaviors, exhibiting “domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.” In very broad strokes, narcissists are grandiose and lack empathy, antisocial people possess a certain cruelty, borderlines may be prone to rage. Those with “antisocial and borderline personality disorders are specifically predictive for violence,” but people with personality disorders do not always engage in coercive control.

Coercive control can be exerted by anyone with dominating, domineering, aggressive behaviors and there seem to be three main causes: genetic tendencies, early childhood abuse/trauma, and the environment one grew up in. Children of coercive controllers are therefore at risk of adopting the same sort of behaviors as a coercive controlling parent, if they are not given the tools to manage their emotions and maintain their empathy. Coercive controllers can do neither.

Coercive controllers bully their partners. The steady stream of criticism leads to the feeling of walking on eggshells and pervasive fear. The lack of empathy, coupled with entitlement and arrogance, only reinforces the victim’s fear. They have black-and-white thinking and use all-or-nothing phrases (you always / you never), they blame (if you hadn’t / if you were better / it’s all your fault), they undermine confidence (you can’t / how could you think you could… / you’re bad / you don’t know anything). They make it personal, and they do not let up. Usually, the negative comments are coupled with threats of violence, court, or taking the children.

If the victim tries to fight back, tries to assert herself, or challenge the abuser, the threats escalate. But at a certain point, the ability to fight back becomes eroded. I’ve written previously about the conditioning of the victim by the abuser. The perpetrator entraps with a constant repetition of negative talk, patronizing insults, and mistreatment that degrade the victim’s morale, self-confidence, and self-regard. It becomes a negative emotional freefall. And what’s well-documented is that this pattern leads to the victim’s resignation.

Bullies target anyone - they try out their tactics on everyone. There is no one indicator that singles out a victim, there’s no one target. It’s been suggested that people become victims when they engage with the bully in any form. This is not to put the onus on the victim, quite the opposite. These perpetrators drive the engagement; they don’t care if it’s negative feedback, and the victim is saying they’re frustrated, over it, not going to put up with it. It’s the response that keeps it going, and paradoxically, how the perpetrator keeps the victim on his hook.

This is not the victim’s fault.

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