Why Narcissists Use Coercive Control

And how to do so

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Photo by Mathilde Langevin on Unsplash

Moving on from a relationship where there was narcissistic abuse is incredibly challenging because the narcissist has replaced the victim’s understanding of the world, which was likely a trust that the world was essentially good and ordered, with uncertainty and chaos. The narcissist conscripts the victim into their world, but it’s a world of smoke and mirrors, based on fantasy. The narcissist sees the victim, not as they are, which is a flawed human being, but as a mirror of perfection. In their mind, narcissists would only have a ‘relationship’ with someone perfect, because that is no less than what the narcissist deserves.

But of course, the partner is not perfect, will eventually challenge the narcissist or threaten their fantasy, and then the narcissist will inevitably devalue and discard. To do otherwise would be to admit they were wrong, and they are never wrong.

How Narcissists Steal Their Partners’ Sense of Self

But the partner is left bereft of a sense of meaning, of a sense of self. It’s hard for outsiders to comprehend, but this is an intentional process that is designed to take over the victim’s thoughts, the victim’s brain, their sense of self, their very identity, and replace it with the narcissist’s own.

Without being able to achieve this goal, they wouldn’t be able to control the victim effectively. They regress their victim into a baby-like state so that they are dependent on the abuser.

But the narcissist’s identity is not really there. The narcissist is empty; they are a void. People who have experienced a relationship with a narcissist express that they felt like they were with a black hole that could never be filled. The narcissist has what is called an empty schizoid core. They are split; they are not whole (which is what can happen if a child’s development has gone wrong). This IS the heart of narcissistic abuse: replacing another person’s sense of self with an empty schizoid core.

It is harrowing for the victim.

That in itself is enough of an assault, but the narcissist also exerts coercive control.

Why Narcissists Exert Coercive Control